The Science of Kittens in Silly Hats. (press conference preview)

Salutations nongender-specific feline-science minded individual.

When last we spoke I'd made a request to pool resources on a "kittens in silly hats" project. I'm still awaiting more submissions. However I would like to share with you an excerpt from an speach I am working on for video broadcast to the interwebs for promotion of my current project "Cats in Hats: A report on the strange nature of feline skull-garmentry, and it's effect upon the wearer."

In my many years studying cats and kittens, I have never once come across any findings that lead me to believe that ancient peoples made kittens wear silly hats. In fact, as best as I can tell, kittens in silly hats did not become widely popular until the arrival of the internet somewhere around 100 years ago. I find myself fascinated by this subject, that we as a people have begun doing something in excess which has never been done before. It is my express purpose that I engage in a study of the feline reaction to ludicris headgear. While humans rarely wear strange or silly hats, for fear of mockery or lice, it seems entirely commonplace for photo albums to be populated with pictures of cats in hats which you or I would only wear to costume parties, or queer hat day at work.

Why are so many interested in stripping cats of their cranial dignity? Why must we parade them around in strange dressings? Why not a regular cap or visor? I shall undertake such responsibility as to discover the truthy answers to these mysterious questions! However I need the help of the scientific community. I encourage the community of science to commit to me resources of time and pictures! By-for which I shall further my knowledge, and in turn further the knowledge of the world. So I ask, that anyone with a camera, and a cat of sufficent courage and amicable disposition thereto, volunteer for the glorious cause of feline scientry!

Should you be a person or kitten who finds this to be the case, please email KittenScience@gmail.com pictures of Kittens in strange or silly hats! Title the email "Kitten Science", so that it doesn't get disregarded. Please apprise me of all available, and unavailable information (time, temp, breed, location of photo, name, I need everything!) In the world of Kitten Science there is no room for error! I need to be certain of my findings, and this could rest on your accuracy! So I encourage you to take as many pictures of your Kitten(s) in as many different silly hats as possible! And be careful, Kittens are a fickle creature, they may happily volunteer, but become grouchy when they see the silly hats they'll be wearing. Just reassure them that it's for the sake of Kitten Science and remember, SAFETY FIRST!

The last bit you will no doubt recognize from my previous post. However any comments you have as to ways I could better this speach are wholely appreciated! I am planning a press conference to announce my new project and am very nervous, however do not let this lessen your criticism!

Thank you!
Adam Pierson, PhD

Always Safety First!

Greetings fellow Kitten Enthusiast, if you are reading this then hopefully you've been inspired enough by the brief telling of my history in the wonderful world of Kitten Science to come back. I appreciate the opportunity to further share my scientific knowledge of Kittens with you. However I feel compelled to give warning on some of the topics I only covered in passing. That is why I'm here today.

1. First off, please, PLEASE, PLEASE, do not attempt to use your kitten's sandpaper tongue as a means of smoothing surfaces. If you're thinking about it or even doing it right now, then STOP! I know it's handy, I know it's an inexpensive and reliable tool, but the wear done to your kitten's tongue will be permanent. Kitten's are issued one organic sandpaper tongue and they CAN'T get another. It's against the rules, OK?
2. Please do not play marbles with your Kitten's eyes! This isn't as bad as permanently ruining their tongue's chaffing power, but if you lose or crack their eyes...that's just not cool dude. Seriously, you think they can afford to buy new Catseye marbles that are the right size for their normally vacant eye sockets? Do you think they're made of money? No! They're made of cute and purr. Don't be a douche bag!
   
3. If you are or know of anyone who has been poaching Kittens, be it for their sandpaper tongue, their Catseye marbles, or their Cuteness. Please go to the authorities at once. Turn yourself in, share your information, Kittens were lucky enough to avoid extinction once, they might not be so lucky a second time.
4. If you have an outdoor Kitten, or if you're an irresponsible punk that's going to let your house Kitten escape from it's cage of oppression, other wise known as your house! Please have them spayed or neutered. Common sense people.

All that having been said my conscience is cleared. And I welcome you once more to the exciting world of Kitten Science. We're going to learn a lot together here. I'll learn from you, you'll learn from me...but we will both learn from Kittens.

And one last thing, I'm currently working on a project to determine the effects of wearing silly headgear on Kittens. If your kitten would like to volunteer themselves for the glory of Science. Please email KittenScience@gmail.com pictures of your Kittens in strange or silly hats! Title the email "Kitten Science", so that it doesn't get disregarded. Along with the picture be sure to include all available information as to the environment the photo was taken in (time, temp, breed, location of photo, even make not of the information you don't have available. I need everything!)
In the world of Kitten Science there is no room for error! I need to be certain of my findings, and this could rest on your accuracy! So I encourage you to take as many pictures of your Kitten(s) in as many different silly hats as possible! And be careful, Kittens are a fickle creature, they may happily volunteer, but become grouchy when they see the silly hats they'll be wearing. Just reassure them that it's for the sake of Kitten Science and remember, SAFETY FIRST!

Excelsior~!
Adam Pierson, PhD

Kitten Science

Greetings reader. My name is Adam Pierson, PhD. I am a Kitten Scientist. I have created this feed with the express purpose of sharing my findings in the realm of Kitten Science. Kitten Science is a fascinating subject, Kittens have been alive for at least a hundred years, but what do we really know about them? The Ancient Egyptians used to worship and fear their magical powers. Some have theorized that back then, kittens were much more powerful than they are now, and used their magics to build the ancient pyramids. It is believed many powerful kittens were killed during the Renaissance when they were hunted to near extinction for their highly musical intestines, which fashioned many a violin string. Today, Kittens are primarily pets, a far cry from godhood. Though history has not been kind to what little research may have been done decades ago, when dinosaurs roamed New Jersey.
I have always been innately fascinated by Kittens, they are gentle creatures, though they have an almost infinite capacity to destroy sofas with their bare claws. I decided to pursue an education in biology to learn more about these animals. At the time, I was extremely idealistic, and was horrified that I would be required to dissect a dead Kitten. I immediately told the dean of Harvard I didn't care how sorry he was, I was leaving at once to start my own school, and that it would be my goal to publicly shame Harvard in the the realm of science. I turned around and stormed out and he chased after me, begging and pleading for me to stay. I felt bad for him and after much negotiating agreed, but on one term. I be awarded my degree immediately and brought on to teach all science pertaining to Kittens. He eagerly accepted my terms.
After the ether wore off I realized that I'd been talking to the Janitor, who only agreed to placate me and get back his mop, which I had stolen for bargaining leverage. Security threw me out and I began an independent study of kittens. Initial examination uncovered a lot. Kittens have tongues made of sandpaper, and use "Catseye" marbles for eyes. I was fascinated by their resourcefulness and made it my life's work to understand them fully. I published my findings and subsequently received a government grant to continue my research. After various failed experiments I decided I ought to return to school to further my general knowledge.
During my final year I met a cat who changed my life. His name was Sir Fuzzy Puddlewinks, he was one of my grad school professors. He was impressed by my passion for studying kittens and had read my early work, calling it "focused, but lacking depth". He thought I would do well in a highly technological environment, and invited me to join him at his London Based Think-tank "Consortium for Feline studies". Sir Fuzzy Puddlewinks had been abandoned by his mother at a young age and raised by a couple unable to give birth to a child of their own. In college he decided to pursue studies relating to his heritage, which he knew little about but was endlessly curious. After graduating he used his English charm to court top scientists from around the world to join him in studying Kittens. I became his protege and later moved back to the states to start my own facility, and raise awareness of Kitten Science.
And so we find ourselves here and in the now, however an understanding of how this site came to be is not enough. We must move forward in our search for knowledge. I shall post my findings here for discussion, and reflection. And in turn I would request you share your thoughts with me. Ideas come of ideas, together we shall be both muse and artist and together we shall learn from each other. With that said, welcome to the exciting world of Kitten Science.

Excelsior~!
Adam Pierson, PhD